The post I didn't want to write

I have been weighing up whether I should actually write about this or mention it. I am very conflicted on it. On the 1 hand I just want to say what happened. I am not sure why but I feel like I need to tell the story, get it out of me or whatever yet I can't explain why I feel that. On the other hand I sort of don't want people really knowing, not in an embarrassed type way but more cause it's just plain awkward. It causes people to react to you differently, they are not sure what to say and I am not sure how I am supposed to reply. The normality of people not knowing has been rather nice cause the last few days have been anything but normal. So to sum up I want to say what happened yet at the same time I'd rather people not know about it. I believe that is what you call having your cake and eating it. Ultimately my emotions have won out; I am just going to talk about it. So warning none of this has anything to do with poker and is majorly TL;DR

Last Thursday my father died, he was 55. He had a disease called scleroderma which took him, can read more about it at the link
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scleroderma
It's a really horrible nasty disease which has no cure. When I become a poker millionaire I shall donate some money and hopefully get closer to a cure coming into being. I wouldn't want others to suffer it and unfortunately suffer he did. I imagine everyone goes through this but seeing your dad or any parents gradually deteriorate is horrible. He seemed so strong when I was young, like he could do anything, but near the end he couldn't eat, struggled to walk and breathe. There was nothing he, I or anyone else could do about it. It's an incredibly helpless feeling knowing that. I can only imagine how he felt going through it.

We know things were bad in the final few days although when he did go it was more sudden then we expected. From what I gather he was 1 second talking to the nurse, next second his heart just gave away. I was on the 27b on the way to the hospital so missed it by about 10 minutes. I felt a mixture of numbness and relief when I knew. The relief part comes from the suffering he went through, there is only so much one can take. He was not going to improve to the extent where his life could be classed as decent and he was in a lot of pain. I didn't want him to see him suffer any more. The numb part, well I am sure you get it.

Since then, the whole last few days have been very surreal. All the family have been over here really helping my mother and I out and pretty much organising everything along with my brother. My dad was in the army and I have to say the army have been fantastic to us, nothing they can't do for us. Something that I wasn't aware of is that my dad and any soldier for that matter is entitled to a military funeral; I always thought that was used for special cases but not so and that is exactly what he wanted.

The first mass on Saturday evening was quite something. We had little service in Staffords funeral home, from there we had to go to Donnycarney church. It's no more then 200 metres. Here is the route on google maps
http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&saddr=53.376468,+-6.217457&daddr=53.374398,-6.218981&hl=en&geocode=&mra=ls&sll=53.375399,-6.217414&sspn=0.002736,0.008261&ie=UTF8&ll=53.375537,-6.218439&spn=0.002736,0.008261&t=h&z=18

But you may remember the flash flooding that hit Dublin on Saturday evening, well we were a victim. The road to the church was flooded. I was in the car but the people walking behind the hearse had to go into the army truck that was parked beside the funeral home, as water would have been up to their knees if they had kept walking. So we had to take a de-tour, here is the actual route we took

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&saddr=53.376468,+-6.217457&daddr=Elm+Mt+Ave+%4053.376853,+-6.218468+to:Elm+Mt+Rd+%4053.381860,+-6.225530+to:Hazel+Rd+%4053.375754,+-6.223186+to:53.374669,-6.219506&hl=engeocode=4722134218138153488,53.376468,-6.217457%3B14487765998833391793,53.376853,-6.218468%3B2782591117424020827,53.381860,-6.225530%3B709566554548741047,53.375754,-6.223186%3B12742730155763534924,53.375025,-6.220590&mra=dme&mrcr=3&mrsp=4&sz=17&sll=53.376788,-6.222821&sspn=0.005472,0.016522&ie=UTF8&ll=53.376314,-6.220118&spn=0.005472,0.016522&t=h&z=17

Point B, we had to turn back on ourselves as Elm Mount flooded too, talk about the scenic route! It took us 25 minutes to drive it, on a normal day I could walk it in less then 3 minutes. It was a pretty crazy evening. Here is what the outside of my house was like
http://picasaweb.google.com/cooker3/Random/photo?authkey=mn_Py6yCxic#5232716824709933906

My dad was born on July 15th which is Saint Swithun's day and the folklore states that if it rains on that day when it will continue to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. The joke that was going around is that my dad decided to give us 40 days worth of rain in a few hours.

The funeral took place on Monday morning. The service was pretty nice; once it was over the army took control. The coffin was draped in the tricolour; they carried him on to a gun carriage that transported him to Fingal. At the graveyard about 50 soldiers did an guard of honour up until the grave. This was the point when everything felt wholly unreal. I vividly recall looking around and just thinking, "is this really happening?" Once the coffin was lowered, there was a 21 gun salute (despite being told it was coming I still jumped about 2 foot into the air) Finally the army school of music played The last post which is the famous song you always hear at military funerals played on a bugle. That bit was the one which got to me the most, 1 on my aunts seen it and came over to console me and then it was over. I have to say it was quite the send off; army did an incredible job putting it together. We went back to the local and suitably most got drunk. I met a lot of the family who I haven't seen in ages which was actually really good. I ended up leaving a bit early as I was completely shattered and immediately went to bed despite it being only 6pm.

So what now? I am not really sure. I have no idea how far along the grieving process I am. I am not even sure if it has fully dawned on me. Nothing like this has ever happened to me, the closest anyone who has died to me is my grandparents but that was wholly different. They were much older and we knew it was coming for them all. While my dad was sick, he was much younger and well he was my dad. We have to sort out all the legal stuff although I presume everything goes through my mother. The Olympics being on have been a godsend. It gives me something to focus on and take my mind of everything. As all those who reads boards have noticed I have generally being posting as much as usual, probably a bit more. The same sort of idea is behind that; it's something normal to do, to keep my mind of everything else. I have not played poker since, no idea when I will start back, might be days/weeks even longer. I am not too bothered. I am certainly not going to push myself back into it. You need to be mentally good to grind it out properly; no way I am doing it until I feel I am and who knows when that shall happen.