2 months on

Well it's been a while since I wrote the previous entry. First off, many thanks to everyone who left a comment or pm about what happened. It does mean a lot. Since then we have generally dealt with most of the legal stuff. It was quite a lot of hassle. I never realised the amount of paperwork death produces. It's just never ending, again I can't praise the army enough, they helped so so much with everything. If I know I am on my way out I am joining the army; everything paid for; hell of a send off; the works!

The amount of cheques we received was just crazy, I have no idea why we got as much as we did. My dad seemed to have 10 different accounts. It's a very odd feeling receiving that. We got the life assurance cheque which was big, much bigger then I would have ever anticipated and both my mam and I just said how empty it felt. It almost feels like we are profiteering from it. I know it's not and what he would have wanted etc but still feels sort of wrong. Of course the financial armageddon that has occurred in the last 2 months didn't help. My mother didn't know where she wanted to deposit it. It seemed like every bank was in jeopardy and I plain don't trust the government 2 year guarantee as I can't possibly see how they can afford it. It was an extra worry we could have done without although I was fairly glued to the TV during it all.

I said last time I don't know how far along the grieving process I am. I still don't. Nothing much has changed at all, I don't feel any different. I don't feel like I have going through some cycle of emotions, maybe I am just going through a long version, don't really know. I suppose it's 1 of those things I will only truly know in a few years.

What else is uncertain is what next. I am finished college, graduation is in 3 weeks. I don't have a "real job", for now it's just poker. I had the idea of going off traveling for awhile, Australia seemed particularly appealing or maybe backpacking around Asia. Boards poster Ianmc is doing that and the idea of living of poker while traveling really sounds sweet but to do that I need to playing higher but also I now just can't think of myself. The house feels very strange. At the start of 08, all 4 of us were living here and I also had my pet budgie. He died in March aged 11, then my brother moved out a month or 2 later and then my dad. So from having 4 people and a pet, there is now only my mother and I. That is a big difference and a dynamic I haven't really gotten used to yet. If I went abroad my mother is on her own and that makes me uncomfortable cause I just don't want to leave her, being on her own would be a challenge and she has never had to do that. Clearly at some point I have to go, I can't live at home forever but when that point comes I am not sure so everything is just a bucket full of uncertainty at the moment.

On the poker front, yeah I do remember this being a poker blog at 1 time. I didn't play for 6 weeks following the funeral. I started on a different skin on Ipoker to go through a bonus which I am still going through. I imagine I will get it done mid November. As for how I am playing, well initially very bad it seems. I am not sure whether mentally I wasn't fully up to it or not but I was down a good bit after a brief good start. My won% @ showdown numbers were appalling. While there is no optimal number; I should have been at least 6% points higher so I was getting it in bad too often. A lot of this happened at 400nl so I decided to take a break for a week and move down back to 200nl. I am still comfortably rolled for 400nl but wanted to get some confidence back in my game.

I am still at 200nl but feel like I am turning a corner. Something which I have developed that I am really happy with and that I never really had before is a routine. I am now playing 2 sessions a day from around 9-12:30 and then 1:30-5. Now I don't play all those hours all the time but I will play some session during them. So I may play from 10-11 or whatever depending. The good thing is that is when Ipoker tables are at their softest. It really helps having a routine, I am playing more hands then ever consistently and I am enjoying playing more hands which is huge for me. This has made going for that bonus pretty easy. I have also being 6 tabling much more comfortably, I can extend it to 8 tables for a while without too much bother so this means I get far more hands in. I'd say 25-30k hands a month is a pretty realistic target.

So if I can my game in order I think I can finish of the year pretty strong and hopefully at 400nl, that's the plan anyway!